My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just found a bag of teeth...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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