and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
