Me. At least after what I've been through.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
