She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
