You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
