Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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