my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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