Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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