I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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