I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
