If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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