Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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