So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
