Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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