There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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