i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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