Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
