Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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