Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
