When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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