I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
