Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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