I need to stop coming to work sober
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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