I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
