Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
