I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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