i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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