Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
