Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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