i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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