I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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