I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
