she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
