I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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