Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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