At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize