I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
