my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
