ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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