seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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