shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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