well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
