I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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