I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
