Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
