...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
