not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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