Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
