3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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