did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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