My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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