Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
