god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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