I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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