omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize