once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
