Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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