Quick, to the slutcave!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
