He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
