I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
