i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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