my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
