You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize