Swine flu. Run for my life!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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