You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
