so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
