When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
