mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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