If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
