The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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