Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
