VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
