jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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