I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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