i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
