maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
